Magneto And The Answering Machine Of Doom
by Red Witch
Summary: It's not easy being the leader of a mutant terrorist organization, something Magneto knows all too well!


**This is Red Witch. My mind is not in right now so it can't tell you that I don't own any X-Men Evolution characters. Please leave your message at the beep. BEEP! **

**Magneto And The Answering Machine of Doom**

"All right," Magneto sighed as he went to his answering machine. "Let's see how many messages I have. 54? I was only gone **two hours! **How could I have 54 messages?"

Magneto hit the first message. "Magneto we need to talk!" Mystique's voice shouted over the recording. "There is no way in hell that I am returning to live with the Brotherhood! Do you have any idea what goes on in that nuthouse during the day? I mean it! I didn't come back to you for this! I'll talk to you later after I get the gum and slime out of my shoes!"

"Gum and slime?" Magneto then realized. "Oh Toad…"

"And believe it or not, Toad **wasn't** the genius responsible for it!" Mystique added. "I'll call you back later!"

BEEP!

"Hey, Magneto. Sabertooth here. You know that job you sent me on the other day and you said to get in and out with as few casualties as possible? Uh, do yourself a favor. Don't watch the six O clock news tonight. I'll explain later."

"Oh joy…" Magneto groaned.

BEEP!

"Okay Father. It's me. Your loving son. Quicksilver. Just calling to let you know that everything is under control! Don't bother checking up on us. Everything is fine. The house is not flooded and full of fish. Everything Mystique said is a lie. So I'll call you later. Bye!"

BEEP!

"FATHER! IT'S WANDA! PIETRO DID IT AGAIN! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT HE'S DONE NOW?"

"I can imagine," Magneto winced.

"He and the rest of the Brain Trust society raided the aquarium again and…AAAAAAHHH!"

BEEP!

"Uh hello? Hello? Magneto Sir. It's the Blob. Don't worry. Wanda's fine. She kind of freaked out when she saw that octopus…I'm having for dinner. Yeah. That's the ticket. I'm making octopus for dinner. That's all. I'm going to hang up now."

BEEP!

"Sir? Uh it's Blob again. Just calling to check. Do you like seafood? I mean really like seafood. Cause we got a lot of it…If you want some. I can just send some over. Just checking. Bye."

BEEP

"Magneto you bastard pick up that phone! I know you're there! It's Mystique and I am telling you that I am not staying one more minute under this roof with these idiots and…WANDA! WANDA PUT DOWN THAT SWORDFISH THIS INSTANT! YES I KNOW YOU WANT TO KILL YOUR BROTHER BUT THAT'S A GOOD WASTE OF A SEAFOOD MEAL! WANDA! NO! DON'T! STOP IT RIGHT NOW! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!"

BEEP!

"Uh Father, it's Quicksilver. Don't worry. Everything is fine. Mystique was just playing a little joke. Uh…That's all. Nothing new. Very quiet. Bye."

BEEP!

"Okay, it's me again. Sabertooth. Uh you know that weapon you wanted me to steal? It doesn't matter if it's not in one piece right? I'll call you later."

BEEP!

"Erik, it's Charles. Listen I know you're busy but could you please do something about Pyro? He's gotten himself a bit of a crush on Magma and he's been serenading her for three nights in a row. Along with making fire displays of his affection. The last one burned down half the lawn and the gazebo so if you would have a talk with him I would really appreciate it. Thank you."

BEEP!

"MAGNETO I AM GOING TO KILL YOU!" Mystique was screaming. "YOU ARE A DEAD MAN! DEAD! DEAD! DEAD! DEAD! DEAD! DEAD! NO WAIT! YOUR CHILDREN WILL DIE FIRST! THEN YOU! WHAT I WENT THROUGH TODAY WAS….NO! GET THAT OCTOPUS AWAY FROM ME! AAAAAHHHH!"

BEEP!

"Hello it's Charles. Look I'm sorry to bother you again but there's no answer at the Brotherhood House. There was a little incident. Kitty tried to cook Lance a meal and now he's in our infirmary with food poisoning. He's going to be fine once he stops throwing up. Just to let you know what's going on. That's all."

BEEP!

"DIE MAGNETO DIE!"

BEEP!

"Magneto this is Gambit. I have thought about your offer to rejoin your team and my answer is no way in hell! I mean I'm looking at what's going on at the Brotherhood House and those people are crazy! I am not going back there! There is no amount of money in the world worth it! Whoa…Gambit never seen a penguin catch on fire before. Don't ever call Gambit again!"

BEEP!

"This is a call from Fireworks R Us! Thanking you for your purchase of ten thousand…"

"Never mind!" Magneto decided a few of them he'd better fast forward. "I **had **to go for the deluxe model with unlimited space for messages!"

"This is Lord and Taylor about your five thousand dollar bill. The clothes were purchased by one Pietro Maximoff…"

BEEP!

"Sensual Cosmetics For Men! Thank you Pietro Maximoff for your thirty five hundred dollar purchase of…"

BEEP!

"Yo, Carl's Fish Shanty here. Just confirming your purchase of twenty pounds of caviar and fifty pounds of mackerel. Now you've got two different addresses listed for both orders. I just need to clarify. The caviar goes to 101 Brotherhood Road and the Mackerel goes to the Grimalkin Lane address right? Just checking."

"Quicksilver when I get my hands on you we are going to have a **serious** discussion on the proper use of that credit card I gave you," Magneto fumed.

BEEP!

"This is Farley's Fire Extinguisher Warehouse calling to confirm you that you have made our preferred customer list. Your recent purchase of five hundred fire extinguishers has qualified you for a fifteen percent discount on…"

"All right, I admit **that** purchase might have been necessary," Magneto gritted his teeth as he fast forwarded to the next message on the machine.

"This is Gnome World calling, letting you know about our newest, cutest garden gnome! It's Gnomy the Gnome! And he's ready to charm his way into your heart!"

"I don't even want to **know**…" Magneto groaned.

BEEP!

"It's Mastermind. I'm in jail in Vegas. Look it's not what you think! I swear that undercover police officer looked exactly like a woman! He even had a very convincing set of…Anyway it's entrapment. I tried to use my powers to get away but I'm a bit hung over so if you don't mind…"

"I really need to recruit new people," Magneto sighed as he put his head in his hands.

BEEP!

"MAGNETO PICK UP YOU BASTARD!" Mystique shouted. "I SWEAR IF I GET OUT OF THIS ALIVE I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND…AAAAAAAHH GET YOUR TENTACLES OFF OF ME!"

BEEP!

"Okay don't get mad," Sabertooth spoke again. "I know I'm on live TV but I swear this is not my fault! That driver cut me off! So he deserved to get a few body parts cut off! HEY! I'M TRYING TO CALL SOMEONE HERE! QUIT SHOOTING AT ME! I'll call you later!"

"I wonder if I asked Charles nicely he might find one or two new recruits for me?" Magneto sighed. "Maybe if I bribed him with a bottle of scotch or something…"

BEEP!

"MAGNETO YOU JERK! WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME? ISN'T IT ENOUGH I LOST MY SON AND ADOPTED DAUGHTER TO YOU YOU…AAAAAHHHHH!"

BEEP!

"Magneto it's Charles again. He's **back**. Pyro is on our lawn again making fire hearts and Logan is getting tired of chasing him. And…What is that? Is that a truck full of mackerel? I'll call you later."

"So much for **that** plan," Magneto sighed.

BEEP!

"This is the Bayville Board of Education. This is regarding your application to reenlist your wards: known as Lance Alvers, Todd Tolensky, Pietro and Wanda Maximoff, Fred Dukes and St. John Allerdyce. APPLICATION DENIED!"

"Well that was predictable," Magneto shrugged. "Still it was worth a shot."

BEEP!

"This is Wilson Fisk. Hello Erik. About that little matter we discussed. I'm sorry but there is no way on Earth I can take any of your…associates off your hands. And no amount of money can change my mind. I ran their profiles through my computer in order to assess their talents and see where they would fit in my organization. Well…the machine nearly exploded. I'm sorry. Anything else I'll gladly help you with for the right price but at this time I really can't afford their help. Seriously, I can't **afford **their help. I have enough bills as it is. Some other time. Fisk out."

BEEP!

"Fisk again. Just curious. Do your boys have any experience with **spiders?** Never mind. On second thought forget I asked that."

BEEP!

"Again, it was worth a shot," Magneto sighed.

BEEP!

"Uh boss? It's Toad here. Hi. Yeah we had a little accident. Not my fault. It was Quicksilver's! He started it! He…"

"GIVE ME THAT PHONE! YOU LITTLE…"

BEEP!

"Father! Toad is making up wild stories! Do not listen to a word he says! He's lying! Lying I tell ya!"

"The hell I am! Give me that back Quickie!"

"NO! YOU! AAAAAAH! YOU SLIMED ME!"

BEEP!

"Magneto. It's Blob again. Uh Quicksilver and Toad are busy fighting and Mystique is kind of knocked out. I don't know where Wanda went but she was kind of mad. And since everything around here is a mess and kind of wet I'm gonna take Mystique to the X-Men for medical treatment. Not to mention the octopus has taken over the kitchen. Bye."

BEEP!

"Magneto. It's Sebastian Shaw of the Hellfire Club. Are we on for bridge next Saturday? Call me."

BEEP!

"This is the Department of Immigration. We are doing a background check on one St. John Allerdyce. We may believe that this man is in your employ and that there is a chance that he is a mutant. Please call us back. The number is…."

BEEP!

"This is the Department of Immigration again. On further inspection we noticed your immigration records were rather lacking in details. Please call to schedule an appointment. That number is…"

"Fat chance!" Magneto went to the next message.

"This is the IRS. We need to schedule an appointment concerning the taxes on your property in Montana. We have records of a high level of sensitive equipment and some high grade military equipment being shipped there. Please call us or we'll track you down."

"How do they keep getting my number? Oh right, they're the IRS," Magneto sighed as he went to the next message.

"This is a pre recorded message. Tired of mutants ruining your life?"

"Yes," Magneto said.

"Then elect Edward Kelly for Senate. He'll introduce…"

"Forget it!" Magneto went to the next message.

"Okay good news," Sabertooth spoke. "I'm fine! Your machine you wanted is mostly undamaged. Okay one or two wires are kind of frayed and some doohickey is broken but nothing you can't put back together. I ditched the cops and the army and I'm on my way back to the base. Expect me in a few days."

BEEP!

"This is a message from the people to Elect Kelly to the Senate…"

"How do these idiots keep getting my number?" Magneto grumbled as he went to the next message.

"This is Bob's Paintball Supplies. Mister Maximoff your account is overdrawn by…"

BEEP!

"This is Mastercard. Your account is overdrawn by…"

BEEP!

"Erik this is Charles again. What the devil is going on? Look in order for this truce to work you do realize that you need to maintain **some** level of control over your people right? I know you had something to do with Sabertooth's rampage on the news. Call me back!"

BEEP!

"Magneto we really need to talk," Xavier spoke again. "The rest of the Brotherhood arrived on my doorstep with an unconscious Mystique, Toad's tongue is tied in knot, Pietro has two black eyes and there are penguins all over the place."

"HA HA HA HA!"

"And you don't even want to **know** what Pyro is doing to our boathouse. Please get in contact with me as soon as possible!"

BEEP!

"Father? It's Wanda. Don't get mad. I kind of accidentally trashed a few cars. And a lawyer's office. I was taking a walk to cool off and my powers sort of got out of control. Oh great here comes the X-Geeks! I'll be right back!"

BEEP!

"Erik for the love of God come here and **get** your people! They've caused so much damage I can't even begin to imagine! In addition to Pyro's displays of affection, Lance vomiting all over my kitchen, Wanda's temper tantrum on the lower East side of Bayville which put three of my X-Men in the infirmary, Mystique chasing Quicksilver around with a laser rifle, there are now roving penguins running around the mansion pecking everyone! And now my study smells like seafood! Erik I am a patient man but this is without a doubt the most ridiculous, insane…"

With a flick of the wrist Magneto used his powers to destroy the answering machine and crumple it up into the waste basket. He then picked up his cell phone and hit number three on the speed dial.

"Hello Stan's Liquor Barn?" Magneto sighed. "Yes it's Erik again. Yes I'm calling about my usual order. This time make it a double."


End file.
